Out of the Lion's Den
Photo by Kevin Parker, See You On The West
A lot of times we like to tell good stories and paint pretty pictures about ourselves and often forget to make our stories look real. We forget to tell how we came to obstacles, describe what they were and how we got over them so that when others come to the crossroads in their lives, they know they can make it over them too. We’re often scared to get that vulnerable and expose our whole truths. So, when I look at this picture and reflect on what it took just to get me here, I am reminded how much I’ve had to deal with to be able to confidently stand in the woman I am becoming. You would never know that I had to go through the Lion’s Den.
In my experience, it has been assumed by others that I’ve never endured a real struggle a single day in my life. Being from a loving and supportive, two-parent Christian home, there’s this perception that my life was supposed to be flawless; and for an extended period of time, I strived to make that imagery my reality. Eventually, the pressure of pretending to have no issues became the root of my downfall.
It’s true that I didn’t live a life in survival mode or have to worry about war zones, but my struggles manifested themselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Although I was blessed to be afforded opportunities that positively impacted my path towards success, I lacked a sense identity and wrestled with my purpose. I allowed the ideals and opinions of others within the environments I occupied to dictate how I was supposed to show up in the world; as a Christian, as a woman, as a dark-skinned black woman, as a Rascoe.
I was a people pleaser and leaned on what I saw as practical, which often suppressed my deepest and most creative desires into insignificant ideas and “little” hobbies. I didn’t pursue what I wanted, but rather what I thought made the most sense to be accepted; to make people proud. And I can’t blame anyone for this being how I approached life. I didn’t know or see anyone close to me successfully, pursuing creative careers growing up. It never felt like a possible reality for me.
So when I see myself in these kinds of photos and acknowledge that I am in fact a model, I am taken aback by how many different voices occupied my head space and internalized themselves in my soul that almost deterred me from even trying. Not just in this capacity, but in every facet that I’ve pursued for myself. It’s flabbergasting how easily I was swayed away from what I wanted until I hit an emotional rock bottom at 23. I didn’t know it at the time, but I needed that rock bottom. This was my entry into my personal Lion’s Den.
In that season of my life, I dealt with loss, heartbreak, endured periods of anxiety and depression, felt attacked and belittled, experienced some sexual misconduct, and at times questioned the point of my existence. I was disappointed, tired, fed up, angry and bitter, but God stood with me through all of it. He stripped me of every false pretense I held of myself and presented me with a blank canvas to start over on the masterpiece He had in mind for me. It took four years to discard the me I had been and rebuild as the woman God said I am with the confidence to pursue her dreams, no matter what anybody else thought. It took time to unpack and revisit my traumas and to reconstruct my identity with the help of various people, resources, outlets and tools.
Although I explored many options, fitness became one of the areas I focused a lot of energy and intention to embrace my physical self and develop confidence and self-assurance in my spiritual self. I began practicing pole fitness at Chrome Fitness and boxing at Lion’s Den Boxing. Both spaces required me to really let go of anything burdening me when I walked in the door and focus on the present moment while building sisterhood. While pole helped me to embrace my femininity, sensuality, poise and grace, boxing helped me to build endurance and strength, push past mental and physical limitations, and center my being. I’m extremely grateful for both spaces, because it required me to get vulnerable and really look at myself for who I was. Whether that was performing in my pole classes, or shadow boxing and drilling in the gym, I had to learn to trust the person within and believe I had what it took inside me to be successful.
I learned so much about myself in that space and gained relationships that I still value to this day. It’s flattering to hear how my different life choices have inspired others, but I really have to acknowledge the communities that have supported me along the way. It’s not easy to go against the grain of your foundational environments. To drop everything that you knew to be true and willingly attempt to blaze through paths unknown or less traveled. It’s also hard knowing that although you may have some support, there will still be those who don’t understand the vision and won’t be happy for you. But you still have to go forward anyway; for you don’t know who your gifts will impact or provide an opportunity. Some of my choices may not make sense to some, but the little girl inside me is satisfied.
To see who I am today is an acknowledgement that I have I’ve had to do some hard work. And while this is just the beginning and I know there’s so much more work to be done, I celebrate the period that I was at rock bottom in the Lion’s Den. I was forced to face fears and conquer the ideals that stood against me. I literally had to fight for my joy, my confidence, my dreams, and my life. I’m so proud of the woman who made it out and honor the woman who didn’t, because losing her made more room for me. With that being said, I’m humbled that God has gifted me the abundance to live my best life and I can’t wait for how He is going to continue to make my childhood dreams realized.